broken

Some one tell me something

Tell me anything

Tell me anything that makes me believe

Believe that God loves us

and when it hurts, he will heal us

I can't handle not being able to fix this.

I can't handle not being able to heal

God I don't understand pain sometime

I know that we must push through pain and that you never promised for this to be easy, but come on

sometimes we need rest.

How to minister to those who have had to deal with nothing but pain.

God i believe in you. God i love you. How do i make them see that?

I asked a 16 year old this and she responds in a way that i use to feel

"God loves. He is. He promises. and He never lets us go. as for our suffering, we DONT always deserve it. God cares more about who we are. our character. our core. than he does our comfort. He has just reasons for everything. sometimes we'll never see them but they are there. we have to trust sometimes just because thats all we can do.

sometimes all He wants us to do and needs us to do is cling to Him. to hold fast to Him. sometimes He just wants us to discover hope and learn through intense suffering, such as death to find ourselves.

i know you know He knows best but applying that to everyday life and everyday suffering and crazy freak occurances is the probly the hardest thing we have to do as christians bc we know Hes intentionally choosing not to do something and trust means even with that knowledge bowing to His will and saying you know best. i trust theres a reason for this. i trust that something, anything good will come from this

finally, i want you to look back and remember everything that you've been through with Jesus and everything Hes done for you. i want you to look at every bad situation Hes saved you from and remember how you doubted and how each time He came through. this IS Gods love. as backwards and as crazy as that sounds, this is Gods love. bc this means Hes closer than we know this means hes holding us this means Hes coming to save the day. this is where we learn to trust him and these are the days where Hes gonna show His face. these are the days where He sings us to sleep and when we wake up Hes still there holding us and singing about how great the days to come will be."

God uses people so precisely.

once again

"remember that being a christian isnt that we dont feel pain bc of a God who blocks it

being a christian means you have crutches and glue that hold you up but we're all broken" people.

Mother Asks LRA Leader Joseph Kony To Make Peace

http://www.causecast.org/news_items/9282-mother-solicits-lra-leader-joseph-kony-to-make-peace

Can a mother change her son's ways? I sure do pray so.

I wake up and go on with my day
I never stop to think, I'm safe

That place I was at this summer
That country that stole my heart
It has become a memory

But I just remembered
I just remembered how much I love those people
Those children I've never met

How could I forget?
I've gotten so caught up in school
Here is what I am going to do:

write my music for them
Study for them
Get a job for them
God has given me this heart
Its time I start using it again.


READY. SET . GO!

Music

Had my first show last night.
Band Name : Velvet Side Up
Members: me angie and tom
Goal: "I wanna change the world with music!" - Angie Gonzalez

God you have blessed me so much. Look at my life.
You brought me to a place blessed me with music, friends, mission and service opportunities, boyfriend, great teachers.
Thanks
Alot

"The Dumbing Down of Love" Frou Frou

Well painted passion
You rightly suspect
Impersonation
The dumbing down of love
Jaded in anger
Love underwhelms you
No box of chocolates
Whichever way you fall
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Lover alone without--without love
No, no I'll get this
I want to treat you
You're still not famous
And you haven't struck it rich
Underachieving
'Cause no one's receiving
This tunnel vision
It's turning out all wrong
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
What will happen
Lover alone without love
Will you miss him?
Love alone without, without love
Music is worthless, unless it can
Make a complete stranger
Break down and cry
And if I tell you
Lover alone without love
And what will happen
Lover alone without love
And will you listen
Lover alone without, without love
Without love
Without love

Two days!

Wednesday is getting closer. Things are slowly getting in boxes. Clothes are still all out on the bed but its getting there.
I think I'm Ready
Yea.
I'm Ready.
Right?
No I am.
: )
NEW ORLEANS! I cant believe it. I am getting out of here. I am moving on. I am getting older. I am about to really move forward. ITS EXCITING!
Last night was hard with it being one of the last sundays at COTA for a while. That church, the family I have there, thats the hardest part about leaving. Sure I'm going to miss my friends and my bed and my pets and my family. But COTA is such a huge part of who I am. My bible study girls, stephanie, andy, it all. The spirit in that church helped me become the follower of christ i am now. Its comforting knowing they will always be there praying for me.
Thanks COTA i love yall.

Something happened last night......

I broke. I was at church and I just broke. See for the past couple of months I have been lost. my heart hasn't been warm and I've been bitter. I wasn't sure why. I had lost all the passion I had with God. I was losing myself and who I was in Christ. But last night he finally got through to me.
See we fill ourselves up with all the crap the world offers us that we end up being to full and no longer hungry for christ. Thats what has been happening to me. I have been filling myself up but not with money or clothes. Not with drugs or alcohol. But with boys.(surprised haha) I fill myself up with the attention from boys. Usually it ends up with me getting hurt or me hurting them.
Last night my friend sarah grabbed my arm and pulled me to the altar. In the middle of a song (The Wondrous Cross). She prayed for me (not knowing what was going on in my life) and I wept. I was shaking my whole body was warm. All that love I had been searching for in other guys filled me up but this wasnt human love. It was God's love. I finally was hungry for him. and he was filling me up. I realized that i dont need to search for the attention and emotion from guys to be loved its been around me this whole time. God loves me. I'm his and he is mine. I'm able to move forward with knowing that God has prepared for me a husband but I'm not ready yet. I have to move with Christ and the more I move towards him the closer I will get to happiness.
So I'm ready. Ready to move on. Ready to be loved. Ready to Love. Ready to be Cardinal Seawell the follower and servant of Jesus Christ.
And I encourage to those who read this ( I think the six of you haha) do the same. It will change your life. There will be heartache and struggles but when you get to the end it will all be worth it.

simple gift.

I had a dream about Uganda last night. About Nebbe village. I looked at my pictures yesterday and just remembered how beautiful the country is. The rolling hills that covered it. Prayer Mountain was such a special place and I feel the need to be back there. To be connected again to the earth and feel God. His presence was surrounding. The minute I got home I found myself tempted and convicted. Its amazing how I found peace in a country unknown to me. How I was more myself somewhere no one knew me.
Today I got a present in the mail. It was from my friend Freddy from Tanzania. He sent me this letter :
Dearest Cardinal,
Dear sister I'm grateful to have you as my nearest and closest friend who cares much about me! I think this was God's plan to connect me with you. I did not know that I will be in contact with someone special like you! Dearest I'm still putting my self in prayers so that you never change, just be the same.
In spite of those I'm personally sending you special greetings from my father and my sisters and not to forget your family.
My dear I will always keep you in my prayers so that you fullfill your dreams in your future plans, as you always recalling me, and think of me all the time.
Best wishes and send my regards to all COTA Mission members I do pray for them.
God Bless
Bro. Freddy
PS Cardinal you're so valued 2 me.

His letter came with a bracelet too. This was all I needed. To know that I have a friend halfway around the world praying for me just fills me with joy. This man in his early 20s is living a life like Jesus. He lives with love service and prayer. Why can't I? Am I to distracted by all the worldly things in my life? Have I become to self absorb? Or is it simply because I have not embraced the love of God?
Once you recognize how much God loves you it is impossible to not love others. God wants us to humble ourselves to him so that we may enter into a full relationship with him and with others. Once we give ourselves to the Lord he will send us out to share his love. It may be just to our neighbors or it may be to someone in another country. But we must be like Jesus. Freddy understands this. Each person I saw him come in contact with it was with a smile and with heart. He may not realize it. But he is my witness.
1 Corinthians 13:1-6
"If I speak in tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if i have prophetic powers and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing."

Headache and washing

wow. where do i start.

I have cried a totally of three times so far all because of the singing here. They sing whenever they can which is perfect for me : ) Yeasterday I tried dancing with the girls. it was pretty hilarious. According to them im a good dancer but im pretty sure they are just being nice. I have videos of us dancing so dont worry you will be able to see them. last night i endured 6 1/2 hours of getting my hair braided. i look ridiculous! but once again everyone was nice and said it looked great haha. you can judge yourself from the pictures. We joined the girls for bible study two nights ago. it was wonderful. what else... OH! i washed clothes today : ) the african way and man its hard. no wonder the women are so strong here. last night i couldnt sleep. my mind was racing. i turned over and saw that anna wasnt sleeping either so we sat up and i read to her haha we are so weird or as sally says "unique". she refuses to let me call myself weird.
Yesterday I went with Sally grace Lyn and rachel to Mama barbra's house to pray for her. She was getting a bone marrow test later on in the day. They rely so much on their prayers. Its all they have to depend on. which is so true. for all of us. we cant depend on our government. our friends, or even our family because thats all humans and us humans...well we screw up. so the best thing to do is depend on our prayers and God.
thats so hard for me to do but im learning. thats what God told me im here for. To learn.
Well im bout to go LEARN how to dance : )
God's Peace.

Peace in Uganda for this bird

Last night ended so well. Anna and I were eating our dinner with Lillian when all of the sudden we heard singing in the other room. The girls were beginning their night time bible study. And all i can say in response is....wow. I forgotten how beautiful African praise was. I crept in with my video camera to try and capture the beauty but you really had to be in the room. there was such a presance.
This morning I woke up at 630. I layed there for awhile to see if i could fall asleep but it wasnt happening. I decided to go sit on the deck and read. It was so cold this morning i had to put on socks and a jacket. So at seven i found myself sitting and watching the ugandian day start. I had been praying that God would send his spirit and he did at full force this morning. He sent it in peace and comfort. to be alone in a foriegn country but feel so comfortable is such a Godly thing.A little girl and her mother passed our room and the girl was adorable she was so joyful and laughed everytime i waved at her (the usual response from many of the children). Everyone else started stirring 1 1/2 later and we slowly got ready. I've been running on Africa time. aka 5 min= 2 hours. me and Mark had a great convo this morning about .... everything really then me anna mark and his wife, whose name i learn is Lyn not jane, set of to walk to King's Daughters and we ran into Rachel on our way there. Me anna and lyn helped the head cook Jane make lunch. I cut the cabbage : ) and thats about it haha. but we got to watch them cook and its hard work. I told them they shouldnt let me cook because i would probably ruin everything. Afterwards Anna Sally and i went into town. I love hanging out with everybody. It is so much about the relationships i'm starting here and all the conversation I'm having. The people here really are teaching me so much about life and just relaxing! I'm continually learning that i cant have every minute of the day planned out.
When we went to pick Mark up at St. Pauls church we were welcomed in to a prayer service. More singing! This time i couldnt stop from crying. they have so much faith and dependance.
Im excited about this weekend. We are driving to Nebbe and get to see Archbishop and mmam pheobe!! next week Allison is suppose to be putting me and anna to work. not sure doing what but im pumped!
two weeks isnt long enough. next summer 1 or 2 months. Sally claims i need to come longer to really be able to see uganda and see the people. she said she would even take me to gulu!
so i am praying for that. Another chance like this!!
Sally told me some of the stories of the girls who are at King's Daughters. It breaks my heart of course. God has really saved them and blessed them with a place like king's daughters and a mother like sally.
I need to go help make Mandazzi and tea now.
Sally is hungry.
p.s. Sally tried a dr. pepper today. she loved it of course. I love her because we continue to tease each other.

Raise a joyful noise to the Lord all the earth

Yesterday we sat around at King's Daughters till dinner. Anna and I fell asleep in the two most amazing chairs that Sally actually designed. I talked for a while to a girl named Lillian who calls me Cardy. She is very funny. It seems evryone here has such a great personality. I haven't stopped laughing. The power was out when we got home so me and Anna sat around outside with our lamps and read our bible. so peaceful. When Sally Mark and Jane arrived home we learned the power had been working for the last thirty minutes. oh well.
Woke up at 12 today. I felt so lazy but Sally wanted us to get sleep. I'm pretty sure I got enough. We then headed off to King's Daughters for breakfast. Mark and Jane were here along with andrew(21 year old who we like to call King's Son) and another girl I'm not sure of her name. It's nice here. There is no real plan just hanging around. Lunch was wonderful. I love me some beans and rice. After lunch we went to town and then Anna, Me, and a girl named rachel went to Sanyu's Baby House to play with little babies. There was a group of I want to say Scottish and English people there. I just sat with a baby named matthew. Everything about today continued to be peaceful. We walked back to King's Daughters and it was beautiful. I loved the scenery and the weather is perfect. I love getting stares from everybody especially the little children who whisper Muzungu(white person) as we walk by. There is actually a large amount of missionaries here is kimpala so I really dont feel to much out of place. I have enjoyed everything so much, especially hanging around the King's daughters house. I'm enjoying a nice massage from Rachel at the moment actually. God has blessed us so much here and has proven that conversation is such a blessed thing.
We should be eating dinner in the next couple of hours then probably of to bed.

I need sleep

we got first class seats to uganda :) not expected! still couldnt sleep though so im quite exhausted. Anna and I are trying to stay awake until tonight to get our body use to the time zone. Sally automatically was so welcoming and I feel right at home. We are sharing a guest house/apartment with a couple from british columbia. the man is a anglican priest!! they are very funny and nice. the weather is so wonderful here and i feel so blessed. i cant wait to see what tomorrow has instore.

Day 1 1/2

Did not sleep at all on the plane ride to London from Atlanta. Quite tired but excited. Just got a shower which felt amazing. Hopefully tomorrow Ill sleep on the flight to Entebbe. Ill need my strength. 

Today's the Day

I'm off. I'm nervous for some reason. Even though I know I will be in good hands the whole time. I think I'm nervous that nothing will change after I go. I want to be open to this trip. No expectations (so I've been telling myself). Isn't that the best way to go about it. What ever happens happens. Stephanie warned me that if you pray for spiritual warfare you'll get it. I just want this trip to spiritually challenge me, no strengthen me however it can. "Hey God can you please send your spirit full power during this trip pretty please?" I hope I make an impression on the people I encounter. Even though I know it will be the opposite. I'm not sure whats gonna happen on this trip but I know it will be good.

why now?

I lost my phone. Again. People are always asking me what's new? and all that jazz. might as well just write about it and let everyone know right?
life:
leaving for Uganda in 5 days
starting college in late august
trying to figure how to keep all my friends close
and having such an amazing journey with God.